May is such an eventful month, I don't even want to get into detail really about it.
As I'm approaching graduation, many lingering thoughts are constantly in my head, and yes the negative ones. I just feel for some reason I need a new beginning. Lately, I've been around so much negativity, that I can tell is just pulling me down, putting me in a big slump. For a girl with big dreams, I need every support I can get. I feel I've been under such a protective shield my whole life, that I may not ever get the fulfillment of making my own decisions devoid of asking someone if they agree.
I've prided myself with my parents approval my whole life, taking into consideration everything they told me, and did what they suggested me to do. But it just seems like right now I can do nothing right, and there's so turning back. I feel my relationships getting stretched too thinly, close relationships that I felt would be there for me forever. Who knew that some of my choices in college would affect my future with the people I care about the most. Am I wrong for following what I want sometimes, especially if I'm doing everything else right?
I have come to question myself as an individual. Of course I feel bad that I can't be the straight A student I was throughout my whole academic career. I remember when a C would make me cringe, and now a C is seen as a sigh of relief in passing my economic courses.
It's bad enough not getting into the college I always wanted to go to, but not even excelling in school was not something I thought I'd ever go through. School did involve a lot of hard work and dedication, but I never knew I'd be struggling to pass almost every course I enrolled myself into. Sure I could've changed my major to something simple, but I'm so close to graduating, I can taste it. Which is a bad thing because I have the worst case of Senioritis ever. Instead of being in the present, I find myself thinking about the future constantly. I'm so used to wanting to plan things and knowing what my future entails, instesad of it being up in the air.
Since my honeymoon in my personal relationships is not coming to a close, I have realized that I need to be independent, and not rely so much of other people. I could've have the great graduation gifts I was promised, but knowing for sure now that I will probably get none makes me realize I can wait and do things for myself. I always prided myself on accomplishing things on my own and that's what I can say college has done for me. I'm not the most responsible person, but I do learn from my mistakes and I take fault for my actions. I've learned the hard way that if I'm not on top of my stuff, things can turn out badly. Recently I paid a $40 late fee for my tutoring I had earlier this year, turning out to $100. And now I recently misplaced/lost my phone. Though I believe someone stole it from my bedroom.
Why are all these things happening to me to me right now, in the midst of me graduating, and needing to focus on my academics!!! I need money, but it's hard for me to work when I have all these classes and other things through the week. I feel like I always have to defend my actions, but why can't I just say something happened and not be criticized for it.
I Could Really Use a Wish Right Now...
Camille
